theendofeverything

photo: me

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I saw you sitting there by the water. Alone. Looking down at your feet. You looked so lonely, on the inside. Like there was no one there for you. Then, I did something stupid. Something really, really stupid... I fell in love with you. Without even knowing you I fell head over heels. I walked around for a while thinking about if I should sit down beside you.

I did it. I slowly walked up beside you and sat down. You looked up and looked into my eyes. You had the most beautiful eyes that I had ever seen. You looked out over the ocean. I did too. We didn't have to say anything. Because after only one look in eachothers eyes we knew that we both felt the same way. Lonely.

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"Jade..."
"Alexander"
"Do you remember that day you fell out'a my window?"
"I sure do, you came jumpin out after me."
"Well, you fell on the concrete and nearly broke your ass and you were bleedin all over the place..! And I
had to rush you out to the hospital. Do you remember that?"
"Yes I do."
"Well there's somethin I never told you about that night."
"What didnt you tell me?"
"While you were sitting in the back seat smokin a cigarette. You thought was gonna be your last, I was falling
deep, deeply in love with you, and I never told you till just now."

(Song: Home - Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros)

I don't know how. How to write. How to tell. I barely dare to tell myself. I mean, I know. I do know. I think... What if I don't? But I've felt like this for so long. I've known for 3 years. I don't want to tell people. How would they react? What would they say? Maybe, if you know me and you're reading this you'll know what I'm talking about. I'm so scared. But I do want people to know. I don't even know if I'm gonna post this. I just really needed someone to talk to and I don't know so right now the screen and the keyboard get to my friends. They won't judge. My real friends won't either. But what if they take distance or something like that. What if I scare them off..? I'm so scared. I need to tell someone but who?

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When we were around 12, you thought that I was going to be first one of us to have boyfriend. How I wish that it was that way... It's not that I wanted to be first. Uhu. I just wanted a boyfriend. Someone to kiss and hug all day.

I tried once. I met a guy. He hurt me. Wounded my sould. Pretty deep. It was not too long ago. I haven't forgotten about you. About what you did. You play a really big part in this. How am I ever going to be able to trust someone again. I trusted people really easily. I don't think it's like that anymore. I don't think I'm gonna be able to open up and trust a person again in a while. Well this person would really have to try hard.

And the fact that your arm is now around my neck
Will get you in my pants, I'll have to kick your ass
And make you never forget
I'm gonna ask you to stop
Though I liked you a lot
But I'm really upset
Get out of my head...

(Song: Avril Lavigne)

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"He hurt you once, his fault, he hurt you twice, you're fault." That's what he said. I don't know him. And he doesn't really know the whole story. Is it that way? Is it really that way..? Cause if it is, I don't know what to do.

I need to stop trusting people so easily. I always end up getting hurt. I need to put my foot down, keep my head held high and believe in myself instead of believing in everyone else.

From now on I will try. My hardest.

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When I told you that I was sick, you cried... When I got into the plane to have my operation, you didn't even say goodbye. I was lucky and I got a donor heart. But when I came home, I couldn't find you... Nobody wanted to tell me where you were... And when I asked your mother, she said with tears in her eyes: "Didn't they tell you who gave you the heart..?"
- unknown

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The truth is, I'm not mad at you. I'm just hurt; and the fact that every time your name pops up on my phone or computer, my heart sinks a little bit deeper. You don't realize what you've made me go through; but I can guarantee you're not doing it again. Thanks for teaching me just how much it hurts to be played with... learned a lot.
- unknown

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Your excuses were bullshit. I thought cared about me. Just a little bit. I was wrong. So fucking wrong. You hurt me the same way again. The same fucking way! You finally hit rock bottom. I really thought were better, stronger than that. Wrong. I was wrong again.

I thought about forgiving you. Like, give you a second chance to explain yourself. Why you did what you did and kind of like... sort things out. But no. I guess that's not what you wanted. I was just your toy that you used while you were looking for some new girl to fuck and then dump a few weeks later.

It feels like I was some sort of last resort for you. Your second choice. I don't wan to be that. I want to be someones first choice...

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I can't think straight. You're always there messing up my mind, twisting my thoughts into some weird pattern that I can't figure out. I don't want you in my thoughts. It's not like I'm in love with you or anything. It's not like that at all.

You keep saying you're sorry. That you want me. Maybe you should've thought of that before you hurt me. Before you ripped apart my feelings.

I moved on. I was doing just fine without you. But after a few months you were there again telling me bullishit again. Or at least that's what I think it is. I can't trust you after what you did to me..! Can't you see that? Don't you understand that I want someone who won't hurt me and then tell me that he wants me. I don't want to get hurt at all...

Go away. Cut me out of your life. I don't want you or your stupid shit. I've fallen for your cute words again. But this time, it's different. I'll stop myself, I won't cross the line again. I won't.

So please... just fuck off!